Dear Journal –
I received a letter yesterday that I wasn’t expecting. Not in the slightest.
It was addressed to one of my older e-mail addresses. Not one that I check very frequently anymore but I decided to check it out of nostalgia. When I logged in, just three weeks ago I received an e-mail from an old friend.
A good friend of mine from college, from before I left. She and I were roommates freshman year.
She said she got a job at a nearby community college and wanted to know if I still lived in the area. Is it worth getting in contact with her? I haven’t talked to her since far before the Change. How is that something that I can share? Should I share? Would she believe me? Does it dishonor my Family to even think about sharing the Secret?
No. I do not think I should try to tell her the truth. I have felt a touch lonely lately and I must recognize this as what will likely be a passing emotion. Trying to tell her, especially when we have been out of touch for so long, will likely just cause her to think I’m crazy. I already walk on thin ice around her because I dropped out and she stayed in.
Certainly of all the things to bother the ‘boys’ with, I do not think asking them about the usual protocol surrounding this is something I want to do. I do not think most of them have family remaining. Cedric seems to have left his family in Uhaigha after graduating high school, Mandarc can’t remember anything before working for Dr. Trelaine, AVAEL is two-hundred years old… Makoa moved back to Sulani and was struggling with the same problems I find myself struggling with. He has a young daughter, so I suppose he’ll find some way to be honest with her someday. I have no such need. I’m just lonely and considering yielding to my baser emotions.
I suppose I’m a bit jealous of what she’s achieved since graduation. Undergrad seems so close, despite being so far away now. I shouldn’t have left, but I have to live with what I’ve done. How am I supposed to finish my degree now? It seemed like the right decision at the time, or at least, I remember feeling overwhelmed by what school was demanding of me. I suppose the adage of ‘you can do anything you set your mind to’ is correct, but I felt that I had no more of me to give. I felt a lack of support in my department and didn’t know where to turn for help.
No – that’s not exactly true. I knew where to go for help, it’s just that I felt extreme shame imagining myself going to these places for help. I didn’t want the help because I didn’t want to admit that I was failing.
Talking to Ivette is like going back to university. I have to own up to my past. I shouldn’t think of it that way because she’s gone a hundred places since undergrad, even if I haven’t. If she’s contacting me, she thinks I’m worth more than an unobtained diploma.