I met Eliza Pancakes at the Blue Velvet on Halloween. We were doing our yearly spooky movie marathon and they were playing Coppola’s 1992 Dracula.

She was entranced.

// BLUE VELVET //


I walk up to her.

STRAUD

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE FILM?

ELIZA

I LOVE IT.

I’M A BIG FAN OF COPPOLA’S STUFF.

STRAUD

I FIND THE DEPICTION OF THE MASTER COUNT TO BE QUITE…

OH, HOW DO YOU SAY, AH…

BAROQUE.


She agrees as I cite matters of his style of dress.

STRAUD

THE CASTLE HAS FAR TOO MUCH FURNITURE.

WHO MAINTAINS ALL OF THAT FINERY?


I take this moment to be a bit more direct.

STRAUD

AND IF THE WOMEN WERE WHORES, DO YOU REALLY THINK THEY WERE SUCH INSUFFERABLE GOSSIPS?

ELIZA

I…SUPPOSE NOT.

STRAUD

THE WHOLE OUTFIT OF THE VAN HELSING VAMPIRE HUNTING SQUAD FEELS A LITTLE SCOOBY DOO.

COMPLETE WITH ITS MULTI-LAYERED STORYLINES INTERLOCKING THE MAIN CHARACTERS TOGETHER.

HE LOVES HER BUT SHE LOVES HIM…

NO, INDEED, THE LIFESTYLES WERE A BIT MORE CHASTE AND PLACID.

ELIZA

I SUPPOSE, SO HIGH WAS THE CHANCE OF ACQUIRING AN UNINTENDED PREGNANCY.

STRAUD

PRECISELY, MY DEAR CHILD.

SUCH THINGS HAPPENED FROM TIME TO TIME, BUT TO MAKE A VOCATION OF IT –

DEAR ME, NO.

BUT I SUPPOSE ALL STORIES GET RETOLD ERA AFTER ERA.

ELIZA

YOU SEEN THE WHOLE THING?

STRAUD

NO.

I HAVE NOT.

ELIZA

YOU SHOULD WATCH IT SOMETIME, I THINK IT GETS BETTER.

STRAUD

PERHAPS I’LL PUT IT ON MY LIST THEN.


The conversation hangs for a minute, as if to finish, but I just can’t put it down.

STRAUD

I ALWAYS TAKE OFFENSE WHEN THEY CHANGE SO MUCH OF THE SOURCE MATERIAL.

WHY CHANGE THE CHARACTERS AROUND?

DO THEY THINK MODERN AUDIENCES ARE TOO SLACK TO UNDERSTAND THE FAIRLY SIMPLE RELATIONSHIP AS PRESENTED.

LUCY AND MINA WERE FRIENDS, MINA WAS ENGAGED TO WED JONATHAN HARKER, AND HARKER WAS THE PRIMARY VICTIM OF THE DARK LORD.

ELIZA

HAHA.

DORK LORD.

STRAUD

DORK LORD, MA’AM?

DARK LORD.

ELIZA

YEAH BUT YOU SAID DORK LORD.

STRAUD

I DO NOT THINK I DID, MAD’AM, BUT PERHAPS I DID.

EVERYONE MAKES MISTAKES.



And that was how I met Eliza Pancakes.

The first time I went to their house, the first thing I noticed were their separate spaces. It was not just the separate beds alone – the practice of bedsharing considered novel by some – but that their activity spaces were so separate from the other.

Such is a common practice especially in childless households but this was striking – and extended down to the color palette.

Eliza was funny enough and eager to entertain a fairytale prince but Bob was less impressed. He was steadfast to his ideal that I could work no magic. She was manic in her mannerisms & Bob unflinching. Everyone has a gift & hers was the gift of gab. I respected her for it.

The space in their small home was well-used, however, and I liked it.