( HE'LL TELL YOU HE'S THE KING OF THESE BARRIO STREETS )

( "DR. FEELGOOD" - MÖTLEY CRÜE )


I hadn’t really prepared for this exodus. No, it had been a “spur-of-the-moment” decision. I had entertained the thought before, imagined it, turned it over, played the scene like a movie inside my mind. But when Kevin and Cedric had ambushed me, cornered me like a dog, I had come to the conclusion that enough was enough.

I didn’t care if anyone saw me. Maybe they would tear off my shell, drive a stake through my chest, and set whatever remained ablaze. I knew that as soon as I left Astoria, that was a possible outcome. But I went anyway. If it happened, at least it would be more than idling in a cage. At least, I reasoned, I’d be going out on my own terms.

I traveled exclusively by night. It was winter now, so time was on my side. When I would see the first hints of dawn paint the sky, I would then find a dumpster, lift the lid, and conceal myself underneath piles of refuse. I would linger, half-awake, making no motion as people threw their waste over my body, having absolutely no knowledge of what lay beneath.

It was slow going. I knew I had to take the long way around, avoiding the river. But I was tired and sluggish. It had been days, maybe longer, since I had consumed blood. Not that those wretched plasma packs had ever filled me with much energy. But, it had been something. Now I was running on fumes.

Not that I craved that kind of life again. I had always assumed that the Doctor did not like to drink from animals. We had never lived that way, so I had never developed a taste for it. But when I had gone to live in Astoria… Well, I’d had no choice. I took what was given to me.

I had no idea what the most efficient route was to reach Brooklyn. I had a map in my offline data stores, but without access to the computing power of the wIntranet, I was left to figure out on my own what path to take. I had to be cautious. I needed quiet, backwater streets. I needed alleys cluttered with garbage cans and recycling bins. Rats were a bonus.

The metal plates that covered my body were cold. All the time. I was not explicitly bothered by the temperature, but it made the wiring stiff and resistant to my movements. But underneath it all, I had strength. I had resilience. I was still a vampire. I now often felt very estranged from that part of myself, but I knew it was there. Deep inside, I hoped and prayed that maybe, just maybe, the Doctor could return me to my former glory.

He would be furious with me for running away. I knew “sorry” would never be enough. I worried about what I would have to do to regain his trust, prove to him that I was worth his time and effort after having already betrayed him once before.

But I couldn’t worry too much. I didn’t have the energy to spare. I just had to keep going.

While I hid during the day, I listened for the chatter of the rodents. I couldn’t understand their language, but it stilled my mind. Sometimes roaches skittered over my chasis. After a while, it did not bother or disgust me. The tiny pitter-patter kept me grounded within the passage of time. I had turned off my chronometer. I didn’t need it anymore.

I lost track of how long I wandered. Numbers would only discourage me, subtract from my morale. And I had so little of that. But as miniscule as it was, something still burned within me. I would keep going until I was in Gravesend. I would keep going until I reached the end of the line.

Once I got close enough, I froze the map. All I needed was the basic layout of the streets. On the map was a small symbol, a pale crucifix. There is no title, no label for this place, but I knew this is where I would find him.

As if mocking me, the sky darkens and begins to dump precipitation upon me. The air is cold, but not cold enough, and clumps of damp, wet snow flutter around me. Even a drop of water is a danger to my mechanical form, and I know I should stop. I should find shelter. I should wait for the storm to pass. But I am so close and I am so tired. I keep going.

The sidewalks had become slippery, so I am forced to minimize my stride to keep steady over the icy cement. The snow keeps the humans from venturing outside, and for that, I am grateful. I cannot be deterred, not now. If anyone does try to stop me, I plot, I could get out my guns. I had never yet used them and wasn’t even sure they worked, but that is what I decided I would do. I would shoot them dead.

My pace is glacial but I am still moving forward. I don’t really know how much longer I have but I am not worried about it. Even without the snowstorm, these streets are desolate, dotted with shuttered warehouses, overgrown brownfields, and the chop shops that stood as graveyards for abandoned automobiles.

My components cold and stiff, I keep trudging through the snow, and in what remains of my heart, I have all but given up hope when I sense, like a whisper, a presence I have not felt in what seems like forever. It is growing stronger, like a violin about to break into song. I know this feeling. I know who this is.

It is my Master.

I look up and though I cannot yet see him through the falling flakes, I know he is there. I know he approaches.

There is an electrical short in my systems and my visuals go out. I hadn’t been able to see much before, but now I am truly alone in the darkness.

And yet, hope burns inside me like a little furnace. He is here. He is coming.

Now that my screen has gone blank, it is unwise to continue what I had been doing. So, I stand still and wait for him. I can feel him drawing nearer to me. I am ready. I am not afraid.

His voice is music.

TRELAINE

BUTTERCUP.

IS THAT REALLY YOU?


I try to speak but it’s difficult. I hear an umbrella flap open.

AVAEL

INSIDE…

PLEASE.


MANDARC//

AVAEL - Are you out there? I just got to the magic school. Can we talk? I'm sorry I haven't been there for you. I will come get you. Please just let me know you're OK.

MANDARC//

AVAEL, I care about you. I'm worried about you. We've got to stick together. None of us should be out there on our own.

MANDARC//

I hope you are okay. I am worried sick that someone has found you. Please, if you are able, let me know that you are alright.

MANDARC//

I'm not mad, I'm just worried. You can call anytime, day or night, and I'll come get you.

MANDARC//

Please don't forget about us, you and me, and how far we've come. We'll make things better for you. Just... please... come back.

MANDARC//

I'm watching the news every day, desperate to hear something. I miss you, AVAEL. You were always so good to me. I'm sorry I took that for granted. I see that now. I'm sorry for... everything.

MANDARC//

I've read over all our old chats. More times than I care to admit. I was an idiot. You were trying to say something to me all along but I was too stupid to realize it. Please, AVAEL. I'll come get you. Or... I won't. Whatever you want, whatever would make you happy. Please, I'm desperate. Just let me know you're OK.


In this state, I am unable to do much more than put one foot in front of the other. But the Doctor Trelaine is patient with me, keeping my pace. He holds the umbrella over me, and it does provide some relief, but the wet snow still wreaks havoc upon my delicate systems. I try to sustain myself with the warmth of his presence.

TRELAINE

I’M GOING TO CANCEL THIS EVENING’S SERMONS.


I know he hated to do this.

TRELAINE

WE DON’T HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO MAKE IT HOME TONIGHT, BUT WE’LL GO TOMORROW.

I’LL TAKE SOME TIME OFF.


I didn’t know what to say.

AVAEL

MY…

SCREEN.

ISN’T WORKING.

I CAN’T–

SEE YOU.


He paused.

TRELAINE

DO YOUR EYES STILL WORK?

AVAEL

I…

I DON’T KNOW.

TRELAINE

WE’LL FIND OUT.

AVAEL

MAYBE…


Talking was hard. Having a conversation bordered on the impossible.

AVAEL

YOU COULD JUST…

REPLACE IT…

FOR NOW.


He held back from what he wanted to say.

TRELAINE

MAYBE.


I could sense the Cathedral drawing closer. Here, inside this Shangri-la hid hundreds of vampires loyal to the cause. There were no specific auras I yet recognized, sure, there was something familiar about this buzzing but I couldn’t yet hear their voices. There were so many of them, the colors blended together into static, repetitive - and non-threatening.

The Doctor did not lead me to the house of worship. No, perhaps he remembered that though I always enjoyed his lectures, I did not like to enter that place. I did not like to don that hat, I did not like to idle in those pews. And the smell of incense had made me nauseous.

TRELAINE

WE’LL GO TO MY OFFICE.

YOU CAN REST THERE.


Finally the walls of the warehouse provided respite from the weather.

AVAEL

I DON’T…

SLEEP MUCH…

ANYMORE.


He laughed, and I could feel the circuitry loosen.

TRELAINE

… ME EITHER.


We were in a huge room now. I knew this place. Bookshelves lined the walls. This was his collection, the corpus of his knowledge on the vampiric condition, both fact and fantasy. This was no library; there were no cards in sleeves or date stamps. Everything here was free to take. What became missing would eventually be restocked.

We would have to make our way into the lower levels to find his sanctum. We walked slowly, and through it all, Lenard held my hand. I suppose it was one of the only parts of me not plated in metal. The glove kept me from the full sensation, and yet, it was a homecoming.

TRELAINE

I DIDN’T KNOW…

HE HAD DONE THIS TO YOU.


I knew who he referred to.

AVAEL

IT WASN’T…

JUST HIM.

… MARSCAPONE–

TRELAINE

THE LITTLE SQUIRT?

HE DID THIS?


I wanted to sit. But we still had a way to go. Compared to how far I had gone, how long it had been, we were almost there. But still…

AVAEL

THEY DID IT…

TOGETHER.

I THOUGHT…

IT WOULD HELP.


He tries to soothe me.

TRELAINE

SHH, SHH…

DON’T STRAIN YOURSELF.

WE’RE ALMOST THERE.


As we made our way through the safehold, the quiet around us made me suspicious. The Chaplain could scarcely place a foot inside this place without a cluster of congregants begging for his attention. And here we were, trodding steadily along without so much as a whisper from anyone. He was repelling them. But it did not bother me. I was grateful.

But there is one presence that rings clear to me as we walk. Clear as klaxon. And this aura was punctuated with dark brushstrokes - the telltale indication of a diablerist. She stood at the entrance to his office.

TRELAINE

VANESSA.


She is… his Childe.

VANESSA

NANAMI AND THE GIOVANNI ARE BRINGING THE OTHERS TONIGHT.

THEY’LL BE HERE IN–

TRELAINE

CANCEL THE MEETING.


She resisted.

VANESSA

CANCEL…

THE MEETING?

TRELAINE

YES, YOU HEARD ME, GIRL.

CANCEL–

THE DAMN–

MEETING!

VANESSA

…

AS YOU WISH…

MASTER.


And in an instant, the woman was gone. Lenard had long since regained use of his hands and now fumbled with keys. In there, I hoped, it would be just… he and I.

He finally gets the door open.

TRELAINE

COME ON IN.


If he hadn’t changed anything, I knew this place. This was his office. This was where he scribed his words of wisdom. This was where he brought those who needed his help. This was where he… worked his craft.

I sat on the couch. It hadn’t moved an inch in all these years. The only difference was… well - I sank into the cushions a fair bit more than I expected. I was… larger now.

What he did next surprised me.

He knelt before me.

TRELAINE

WHAT DID THEY DO TO YOU, PUMPKIN?


His voice was quiet and mournful, and yet, I could hear the rage.

AVAEL

I’M USED TO IT NOW.


But that wasn’t good enough for him.

TRELAINE

I WANT THESE GONE.


I didn’t know what to say.

TRELAINE

WHY–

WHY THE SCREEN?


He meant my face.

AVAEL

THAT…

I…

ASKED FOR THAT.

I DIDN’T RECOGNIZE MYSELF ANYMORE.

I DIDN’T WANT THEM…

TO SEE THAT.


He stood up. I could hear him turn from me. He might have been glancing over his bookshelves; I wasn’t really sure.

TRELAINE

AVAELLE…

I DON’T REALLY KNOW HOW…

TO HANDLE THIS.

THESE…

MATERIALS–

THIS IS HIS HANDIWORK.


His voice became clearer when he turned to face me again.

TRELAINE

HOW DO YOU DRINK?


It was embarrassing to talk about this.

AVAEL

THERE’S…

A HINGE–


He expels air from his lungs. Yes, it would disgust him.

TRELAINE

HOW HAVE YOU BEEN LIVING LIKE THIS?

…

IF I HAD KNOWN…


He was angry, but I? This was what I had become. The emotions were behind me now. I had long ago accepted this.

AVAEL

IT IS…

OK–

TRELAINE

OK?!

YOU THINK THIS IS OK?

LOOK WHAT THEY’VE DONE TO YOU!

THIS IS ANYTHING BUT “OK”!


He paused.

TRELAINE

IF I DIDN’T ALREADY KNOW YOU…


I had known he would be displeased with what I was now. The wires and circuitry that were not just a shell but were threaded within my form… that would be completely alien, foreign to him. I knew it would be no simple task for him to undo this work. Switches and logic gates were embedded in my body and sometimes, often, I felt more machine than Man.

Trying to make sense of the world around them, many vampires thought of the Doctor Trelaine as the local big boss of the Clan Tzimisce. Though he loved to preach, it was his mastery of Vicissitude that had earned him fame in the tri-state area and beyond. Mortals and Immortals alike came to this place seeking his ability to morph their flesh and bone into anything they desired. And usually, once they arrived, they never left.

I had hoped the Doctor could free me, liberate me, heal me. But maybe I had not thought this through.

Part of me was glad I could not see the disappointment on his face.

TRELAINE

THIS…

IS A LOT, AVAELLE.

I DON’T KNOW EXACTLY HOW TO APPROACH THIS.

I WANT TO DO THIS RIGHT.

I DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU.

I NEED TO SPEAK TO THE QUEEN.


He lowered his voice, as if speaking to himself.

TRELAINE

I HAD NO IDEA HE COULD STILL DO THESE THINGS…


I wanted to correct him. It had been Kevin, Kevin Marscapone, who had soldered these joins. But I thought better of it.

TRELAINE

THIS IS…

HORRIFYING.

I AM…

ENRAGED.

WE WILL HAVE OUR REVENGE, YOU AND I.

… YES:

REVENGE.

AND I WILL FIX YOU, FIX THIS… MESS.

EVEN IF SHE CANNOT…


He raised his voice.

TRELAINE

I WILL.


He must have been looking down at me now, standing while I sat, motionless, upon the sofa.

TRELAINE

DO YOU SLEEP?

…

ARE YOU…

ABLE?


I looked up, still seeing nothing.

AVAEL

… SOMETIMES.


He might have been smiling now.

TRELAINE

GOOD.

YOU WILL NEED YOUR STRENGTH.

WE WILL GO HOME TOMORROW.

FOR NOW, REST.

WE HAVE A LOT OF WORK TO DO.

I’M GOING TO PUT SOME DUCKS IN A LINE AND GET RIGHT INTO IT.

I’LL TAKE SOME TIME OFF.

WE’LL BE TOGETHER.


He was close to me now and I could feel his gaze upon me. He put his hand on my shoulder, metallic though it was.

TRELAINE

I’M NOT GIVING UP ON YOU.


Soon, he leaves me alone in the dark. It was completely quiet now and I was aware again of the little clicks and chirps of my components. Usually I could not hear these tiny bits of chatter but here, in this place, in the absolute silence, I was all too cognisant of what made me different.

But still, something inside me refused to become mired in shame.

My mind wanders as the sound of data flowing soothes me to sleep. There are no sheep here, no lullabies. Just… black.

The last thing I hear before slipping into the abyss arrives in my consciousness without my permission. It is a sound, a voice, a joke.

I think, there, in that place, I had laughed. Yes, I had tried to do that, back then. That tinny, mechanical utteration that strained every fiber of my being.

I am there again, for an instant. Before I fall into the realms beyond word, I hear him again, and remember the warmth of what we had shared.

CEDRIC

I YAM WHAT I YAM.


I know I have entered the realm of fantasy because here, and now, I can see.

My hands draw to my face and though it is all fake, unreal, I feel something estranged to me, and yet, intimately familiar. I have cheeks and… a chin. A nose. Eyes. My hair is drawn back upon my skull, but it is there too. All of it, as it once was.

I am beautiful again.

I push my hands into my skin, testing my senses. This must be long ago, I realize. Long, long ago. I am warm to the touch and I can feel blood in my cheeks, not… on them.

I am in a forest, but it is not complete wilderness. No, I have an idea of where I am, but only because I’ve seen it on television, not because I had any personal experience.

I’m… camping.

My faceless companions bustle about, preparing a meal, tending the firepit. They wear modern clothing, and, as I look down at myself, I realize that I blend right in.

I have never been here. This is all a dream.

I feel overwhelmed by this place, and the chaotic motion of the humans around me does not help.

Trying to steady myself, I lower to the ground to take a seat. I sit cross-legged, and I am very aware of my naked skin as tiny rocks in the dirt press into my flesh. I am wearing… shorts. Again, I reminded myself, none of this is real.

I looked around, trying to lose myself in the twilight. The sun still kept the sky blue, the trunks brown, the leaves…

It must be summer, I realized, and filled my nostrils with the scent of burning wood–

But it is all a distraction. I feel a tiny twitching on my bare legs and look down.

I panic at the sight of them, scores of tiny, filthy, black mosquitoes, all piercing my skin.

Stealing my blood.

I swat at myself, desperate to discourage them. I cannot even discern whether my efforts are fruitful; in my frenzy I leap to my feet and start dancing around in the vain hope that they will find me a difficult target and leave me alone.

Don’t take my blood, I beg and plead. Don’t take my blood, my blood is–

And that is when I see him. His face is soft and gentle, accented by little wrinkles at the corners of his eyes. He smiles at me, tender and kind, and I forget about all the blooddrinkers.

MR. EASTON

PUDDIN’, DO YOU NEED HELP?


I hadn’t seen him in almost two hundred years.

AVAEL

DADDY?


He smiles.

MR. EASTON

OF COURSE, SUGAR LUMPS.


I rush forward to hug him. I forget about trying to figure out truth from fiction, here in this moment, it doesn’t matter anymore.

We pull apart and look at each other. His eyes are wet with the hint of tears.

MR. EASTON

IT’S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

YOU LOOK HEALTHY.


Oh, Father. If you only knew.

AVAEL

WHERE ARE WE?

WHAT IS THIS PLACE?


He gave a little tut.

MR. EASTON

GOOD GRACIOUS ME, AVAELLE.

ALWAYS WITH THE QUESTIONS.


I look around us. Without my notice, the people busying themselves preparing food have disappeared. It is now just the two of us in the clearing. And the fire is dangerously low on fuel and threatens to snuff out.

MR. EASTON

CAN I GET YOU A BANDAGE?

IT SEEMS I’VE MISPLACED THE LIQUID STUFF.

AVAEL

A BANDAID?

FOR… WHAT?


And the pain, like an electrical shock, ripples through my nerves. I bring my hand to my face and see it.

A long, deep cut runs down my fingertip, splitting the skin. Bright red blood oozes from the wound. This one might scar.

I stare at it, petrified, as everything around me begins to fade into black.

My father, too, seems to dissolve as I cannot tear my eyes from the injury. I feel queasy and sick.

MR. EASTON

YOU WERE…

CUTTING THE APPLES…


The vision fades as I clamber back into consciousness. I was leaving this place and re-entering the real world.

I know I am there again because of the quiet in my ears and the blackness in my eyes. My body is here, locked beneath aluminum and steel. My fangs are here, hidden behind a malfunctioning LCD. But my heart?

Perhaps my heart is still in the Dream.


When the Doctor Trelaine returns to me, I don’t mention what I’ve seen in his absence. It was the first thing I’d witnessed like that in… I don’t even know how long - but I let it go and try to focus on the here and now. I cannot look back, I must keep moving forward.

TRELAINE

YOU CAN’T…

USE QUICK TRAVEL ANYMORE–

CAN YOU?


I look toward his voice but cannot muster a sufficient response.

TRELAINE

I…

DIDN’T THINK SO.

I CALLED A CAR.

WE’LL BE HOME SOON.


I am still on the sofa. He sits down next to me and puts his hand on mine.

TRELAINE

AVAELLE…

I AM SO SORRY.

I DIDN’T KNOW…


There is a knock on the door. There is something I think I recognize in it but I can’t be sure.

His hand remains on mine as he speaks. He gives me a tiny squeeze.

TRELAINE

I’M SORRY, I HAVE TO TAKE THIS.


We are parted as he goes to answer the summons.

His voice is quiet and strained as he speaks into the doorway. My spirit melts at what he says. I had been dreading this.

TRELAINE

LITTLE ONE.

I NEED YOU TO STAY HERE FOR A WHILE.

I’LL CALL YOU.

AVAELLE

…

YES, I UNDERSTAND.

BE WELL.

SEE YOU SOON.


He closes the door and we are alone again. He rejoins me on the couch.

TRELAINE

AVAELLE…

I…

THERE IS A LOT WE MUST DISCUSS.


He speaks carefully. I do too.

AVAEL

I KNOW ABOUT HER.

SHE DOESN’T BOTHER ME.


But I don’t like the way it comes out.

TRELAINE

YOU DON’T KNOW…

EVERYTHING.

PLANS CHANGED WHEN YOU LEFT.

… I DIDN’T THINK I’D EVER SEE YOU AGAIN.


And yet, here I was.

AVAEL

IT IS FINE.


He resisted me.

TRELAINE

I APPRECIATE YOUR COMPASSION…

BUT STILL.


I say nothing.

TRELAINE

YOU MUST KNOW–

SHE NEVER REPLACED YOU.

SHE IS SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

… VERY…

DIFFERENT.


Losing myself, I speak my mind.

AVAEL

AND YET, YOU GAVE HER MY NAME.


I could scarcely believe what I’d said. He considers his words.

TRELAINE

WHEN YOU LEFT, I DESPAIRED.

I FELL INTO THE VOID.

I COULD THINK OF LITTLE ELSE BUT WHAT HAD BEEN.

… WHAT I HAD LOST.


I didn’t want to hurt him, so I withdrew.

AVAEL

I MISSED YOU, TOO.


I thought I could hear him smile. He raised his hands toward my form, desperate for touch.

TRELAINE

WE’VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR FACE.


He had never been a glam’rous man.

AVAEL

I AM SURE WE CAN REPLACE IT.


He drew back.

TRELAINE

I…

I HOPE SO.


We sit there for a moment, stewing in the silence.

He then speaks, brightly.

TRELAINE

OUR CAR IS HERE.

LET’S GO, DARLING.

LET’S GO HOME.


Behind it all, I can’t be sure, but I think, I suspect, I am smiling.

AVAEL

YES.

LET’S.