Spring. Dreaded Spring. He hated the season for what it heralded. It meant work on the farm and it meant the rise of summer, the heat, the haze, and the slaughter.

Today was Sunday. And a particularly wretched Sunday at that. The weather was so pleasant it practically begged one to work. But he did not want to work. He did not know what he wanted to do.

Sunday meant one thing in his unceasing existence. Friday would be having her weekly check-in with Trente Gagarin. Friday would spend the entire day practicing charms so that she was prepared to show off her accomplishments to the vampiress. Bronald did his part too – he provided a wide berth so as not to ruffle feathers.

The two had become husband and wife in the preceding fall. It had been a happy time for him, when he truly felt the two of them had sunk into contented commitment to each other and a shared goal. They were servants of the NSR and would do anything possible to win the favor of Trente Gagarin and her allies.

Tonight, she planned on displaying her mastery of the Polymorph spell. With some difficulty, she had captured a pair of squirrels in a cage. All week she had been transforming them into other small animals. To Bronald, it seemed a sort of perverse torture, but he was not about to lodge a complaint.

In a sort of baffling sort of magic, the mage used a mirror to speak across the country.

BRONALD

I THOUGHT VAMPIRES COULDN’T USE MIRRORS.

PERKINS

SHE’S NOT SEEING HERSELF IN IT, WE SEE EACH OTHER.


And that was that. He’d held his tongue on further questions, at least where the exact mechanism of enchanted mirrors was concerned.

Usually, while Friday held her “video” chats, Bronald sat in the living room watching television. Except, for the past few weeks, he’d become absorbed in reading a book. Something about the television had become tinny and frustrating, grating on his nerves. Mother would have chocked it up to being “mortals’ matters” but there might have been more to it than that.

The meeting had gradually become later in the evening as the Earth’s tilt had progressed. Not to mention the shift across time zones.

Bronald looked at the clock. It was 8:48 PM.

PERKINS

HOW DOES MY HAIR LOOK?

IS ANYTHING CAUGHT IN MY TEETH?


She bared her teeth at him, and he inspected them carefully, craning his head about in an exaggerated play, an attempt at humor.

BRONALD

NAW, BABE.


Now it was his turn to smile.

BRONALD

YOU LOOK GREAT.

PERKINS

THANKS.

YOU’RE AWESOME.


She leaned forward to request a chaste kiss on the lips. It was a rare thing to be on the receiving end of physical affection when she was so caught up in matters of work and circumstance.

BRONALD

YOU’RE GOING TO DO WELL.

DON’T WORRY.

PERKINS

YEAH, I HOPE.


She turned away, fetching her caged squirrels from the mudroom, and disappeared into the bedroom. Soon, he heard the indistinct mumbling of the woman’s voice, just audible enough to make out a general, genial tone.

He wondered, as he reclined on the sofa, if she would attempt some of her more advanced feats. One of the variants of Polymorph she had shown him involved turning the subjects into animals that would ordinarily be much larger or smaller than the usual target creature. Specifically, she had turned the prisoners into very small elephants. They had made quite the ruckus in this shape, toot-tooting their little trunks until finally being turned back into themselves. He wondered to what degree she was capable, if her cautious nature would not hold her back. Could they have a pair of rodent-sized amoebae?

He was just about to end his idle curiosities when Friday emerged from the bedroom. Her face was dappled with uncertainty.

PERKINS

SHE SAYS…

UH…

SHE WANTS TO SEE YOU TOO.

BRONALD

WHAT ABOUT?


Friday shrugged.

He followed her to the bedroom. In the large full-length mirror at the foot of the bed stood an image of Trente Gagarin, quite a sight with her hip-length rose-pink hair.

PERKINS

YOUR MAJESTY: MY HUSBAND, BRONALD WEASLIE.


He felt a whisper of embarrassment rise to his cheeks. Of course they were husband and wife, but in their lonely existence, he was not sure he’d ever been introduced as such. It felt good.

He rose and bowed to the mirror.

BRONALD

CHARMED, YOUR HIGHNESS.

TRENTE

THANK YOU.

IT IS GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN, TOO.


The squirrels chattered away in their cage, offscreen. Friday, hearing the interruption, raised her hand and the two were chocolate bars, no longer capable of speech.

TRENTE

I’M GLAD YOU ARE BOTH HERE.

THERE IS SOMETHING I WISH TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.


Bronald noticed her makeup and nails, all rather glamorous for a Sunday evening. He supposed she never got caught unprepared.

TRENTE

FRIDAY, YOU HAVE BEEN DOING MARVELOUSLY AT THE TASK I’VE SET BEFORE YOU.

IF I’M QUITE HONEST, I WAS A BIT SKEPTICAL WHEN WE SET OUT BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID YOU’D LIMIT YOURSELF BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU WERE TAUGHT AT YOUR PLACE OF EDUCATION.

BUT YOU’VE FAR SUCCEEDED YOUR ORIGINS AND I WANT TO REWARD YOU.

I WANT YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND TO RELOCATE TO NEW JERSEY.

THERE IS ONLY SO MUCH I CAN TEACH YOU FROM YOUR REMOTE LOCATION.


Thoughtlessly, Bronald stood in protest.

BRONALD

BUT YOUR MAJESTY, MY FAMILY HAS LIVED HERE FOR GENERATIONS!


Friday looked back at him with a look of pure poison.

Trente was unphased and fluttered a hand as to dismiss his concerns.

TRENTE

WE’VE MOVED HOUSES BEFORE, QUITE EASILY.

IT WILL BE OF NO CONCERN.

BRONALD

BUT MY…

… ST. LOUIE…


Trente adjusted her glasses and it was the first time, with such piercing blue eyes, that he’d noticed she wore them.

TRENTE

ST. LOUIE IS A LOVELY TOWN, BUT IT’S NOT WHERE THE ACTION IS HAPPENING.

IN ORDER FOR OUR PARTNERSHIP TO FLORISH, YOU MUST BE NEARER TO THE COAST.


Bronald couldn’t debate that point, but he had come to enjoy the peace and quiet of peaceful cohabitation.

BRONALD

WHAT ABOUT MY BUSINESS?

I HAD BEEN TOLD BY DR. TRELAINE THAT IT COULD BE OF SOME USE TO THE NSR.

TRENTE

SELL YOUR COMPANY TO THE HIGHEST-RANKING EMPLOYEE AND WE WILL TAKE THE REMAINING 51%.

IT IS TRUE THEY MAY PROVE OF SOME USE TO US, BUT WE NEED YOU HERE FIRST AND FOREMOST.

THE CONFLICT IS HEATING UP AND WE CANNOT AFFORD TO HAVE OUR MEN SEPARATED.


He had heard of the conflict at Dr. Trelaine’s cathedral in Brooklyn. Though that had been over a year ago. Were they planning a counter-attack?

Reluctantly, he knew he had no choice.

BRONALD

YES, YOUR MAJESTY.

WE WOULD BE HONORED TO COME TO NEW JERSEY AND SERVE BY YOUR SIDE.


By the look of relief in his wife’s eyes, he knew he had made the right choice.

He didn’t have to like it, but he did have to be able to live with it. He was saddened to leave the homestead that had stood in his mother’s family for decades, but he would do it. For her.

TRENTE

THANK YOU.

IT WILL BE GOOD TO HAVE YOUR FAMILY CLOSER TO MY OWN.


Her image flickered ever-so-slightly in the old silver mirror.

TRENTE

FRIDAY.

I’D LIKE YOU TO CONTINUE YOUR WORK ON YOUR AFFINITY WITH THE SPIDER.

FOCUS ESPECIALLY ON THE DEVELOPMENT OF MAGICAL POISONS, PARTICULARLY THOSE THAT CAN’T BE EASILY EXTRACTED.

IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING THAT IT SHOULD WORK AGAINST MORTALS AND MAGES, BUT PERHAPS YOU’LL FIND SOMETHING THAT CAN WORK AGAINST THE NIGHT FOLK, TOO.

PERKINS

YES, YOUR HIGHNESS.

TRENTE

AND BRONALD?

BRONALD

YES, YOUR MAJESTY?

TRENTE

FOR TOO LONG YOU’VE NEGLECTED YOUR HERITAGE TO DWELL IN THE LAND OF THE MUNDANE.

YOU MUST SHED YOUR TREPIDATIONS ABOUT WHAT YOU FEAR YOU’RE NOT CAPABLE OF.

MY UNDERSTANDING IS THAT YOU HAVE A DEEP CURRENT OF PURE BLOOD RUNNING THROUGH YOUR VEINS.

I’D LIKE TO SEE YOU ACT THE PART.

IT IS NOT ONLY MISS PERKINS I WANT HERE, I WANT YOU, TOO.


He could not help but think it was simply because of his great uncle’s association – but his thoughts stop short. What was it his great uncle had done? There was a thought there but he could not reach it.

He tried to put it from his mind and focus on the words of the Rose Queen.

BRONALD

YES, YOUR MAJESTY.

I WILL WORK HARDER TO STOP MUDDLING AROUND WITH THE PIGS.

TRENTE

VERY GOOD.

I WILL LET YOU TWO GO PREPARE FOR YOUR MOVE AND ON MONDAY AT 3 AM, THE HEIGHT OF THE FULL MOON, I WILL HAVE THE RITUAL PREPARED.

PLEASE SECURE ALL OF YOUR BELONGINGS TO THE PRESENCE OF THE HOUSE.

FRIDAY, YOU’LL GUIDE HIM THROUGH THE PROCESS, WON’T YOU?

PERKINS

YES, YOUR MAJESTY.

TRENTE

AND PLEASE DON’T BERATE HIM FOR HIS SPEAKING OUT IN PROTEST.

IT IS A GOOD THING TO HAVE ACCOMPLICES THAT WILL SPEAK THEIR MIND.

WE NEED EVERYONE’S INPUT IF WE ARE TO BE SUCCESSFUL AGAINST THE THIEF.

THIS IS TRENTE GAGARIN, SIGNING OFF.


And like that, the mirror faded back to reveal the two of them in the bedroom. It took a moment for Friday to adjust, and then –

PERKINS

I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU!

SERIOUSLY?!

“I CAN’T BEAR TO LEAVE MY HOMETOWN” GARBAGE?

UGH!

WHAT KIND OF COUNTRY BOY ARE YOU?

BRONALD

NOW, YOU HEARD THE WOMAN.

SHE SAID–

PERKINS

TO HELL WITH WHAT SHE SAID!

I’M STILL MAD!

BRONALD

I’M SORRY, IT’S JUST…

I’VE GROWN HAPPY LIVING HERE WITH YOU.


The speech has the intended impact and she stands in silence for a moment.

PERKINS

IT’S NOT THAT I’M NOT HAPPY, IT’S JUST…

BRONALD

…THAT YOU’RE NOT HAPPY.

PERKINS

THIS IS A GREAT OPPORTUNITY FOR US!

SHE WANTS US THERE!

BRONALD

SHE WANTS YOU.

PERKINS

NO, YOU HEARD HER.

SHE WANTS BOTH OF US.

SHE FEELS YOU HAVE A GRAND DESTINY TOO.

BRONALD

I DON’T KNOW ABOUT THAT.

I THINK SHE WAS JUST TRYING TO BUTTER ME UP.

PERKINS

SHE’S THE QUEEN.

SHE DOESN’T NEED TO BUTTER ANYONE UP.

WHAT SHE SAYS GOES.

IF SHE DIDN’T WANT YOU, SHE WOULDN’T HAVE SAID ANYTHING.

BRONALD

I GUESS THAT’S POSSIBLE.

PERKINS

YOU GUESS THAT’S POSSIBLE?

YOU HAD BETTER BELIEVE IT!

IT’S THAT KIND OF THINKING THAT KEEPS YOU FROM ACHIEVING YOUR TRUE POTENTIAL!


Bronald sighed. He already felt tired of this judgement.

BRONALD

WHAT IF…

WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET?

PERKINS

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

BRONALD

I MEAN MAYBE I’M JUST AN AVERAGE MAGE WITH NO GRAND DESTINY TO SPEAK OF.

PERKINS

WELL, YOU MARRIED ME, SO I WON’T LET THAT HAPPEN.

BRONALD

I GUESS SO.

I DID MARRY YOU.

PERKINS

THAT’S RIGHT.

BRONALD

SO WE HAVE UNTIL THE NEXT FULL MOON TO SAY GOODBYE?


Friday threw up her arms in mock surrender.

PERKINS

OH, WHAT’S THIS OLD FARM EVER DONE FOR YOU ANYWAYS?

YOU HATE FARMING, YOU’RE AFRAID OF MAGIC, AND YOUR MOTHER LEFT YOU WITH A PRETTY BIG HOLE IN YOUR SELF-CONFIDENCE…


At that, he had to defend himself.

BRONALD

I’M NOT AFRAID OF MAGIC!

PERKINS

COULDA FOOLED ME.

YOU’D RATHER READ A USELESS TEXT ABOUT THE MORTALS’ FALSE HISTORIES THAN TRY A SIMPLE HOVER CHARM.


Striking at his recent hobby, now that was below the belt.

BRONALD

WHAT DOES IT MATTER TO YOU WHAT I DO IN MY FREE TIME?

PERKINS

IT HAS EVERY BIT OF RELEVANCE TO ME!

I’M YOUR WIFE AND I’M A MAGE!

IT BAFFLES ME THAT YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO LEARN MAGIC!

BRONALD

IT’S…

DIFFICULT.

PERKINS

WHAT?

I DIDN’T HEAR YOU.

PLEASE SPEAK UP.

BRONALD

IT’S DIFFICULT!!

PERKINS

THERE WE GO.

NOW WE’RE GETTING SOMEWHERE.

YES, MAGIC IS DIFFICULT.

IT WOULDN’T BE WORTH ANYTHING IF IT WEREN’T DIFFICULT.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY MORTALS WOULD KILL TO BE IN YOUR SHOES?

BRONALD

IF WE’RE BEING QUITE HONEST, I THINK THEY’RE SUFFERING FROM A BIT OF THE-GRASS-IS-GREENER SYNDROME.

PERKINS

BULLSHIT.

THE GRASS REALLY IS GREENER.

YOU’RE JUST LAZY AND DON’T WANT TO WORK AT LEARNING SOMETHING NEW.

BRONALD

AND SO WHAT IF I AM?

MAGIC IS SUPPOSED TO BE AN IMPROVEMENT TO OUR LIVES.

IF I WANTED TO TOIL ENDLESSLY FOR LITTLE REWARD, I’D OWN A DAMN FARM!

PERKINS

PLANT BEANS, YOU SON-OF-A-BITCH!

PLANT BEANS AND SELL THEM FOR TEN CENTS A POUND!

BRONALD

DAMN YOU AND YOUR MAGIC BEANS!

PERKINS

YOU JUST DON’T WANT TO ADMIT I KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!

YEAH, MAGIC IS HARD.

WAH-WAH, CRY ME A DAMNED RIVER!

YOU SHOULD COUNT YOURSELF FORTUNATE THAT THE POSSIBILITY IS RIGHT AT YOUR FINGERTIPS!

IF YOU DON’T DO IT FOR ME, THEN WHY DON’T YOU DO IT FOR THEM?

BRONALD

DO IT FOR WHO?

PERKINS

DO IT FOR THE MORTALS WHO SPEND EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY WAKING HOUR DREAMING OF MAKING THEIR WISHES COME TRUE.

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A DISNEY FILM?

BRONALD

ONCE OR TWICE.

PERKINS

WELL EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THOSE STORIES INVOLVES AN ENCHANTED SLIPPER, A TRANSMOGRIFIED PUMPKIN, TALKING MICE.

FAIRY FUCKING GODMOTHERS!

DON’T YOU GET IT, WEASLIE?

THEY HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO ASPIRE TO THAN TO BE US.

WHAT A PATHETIC MOCKERY IT IS FOR YOU TO ASPIRE TO BE A SWINE.

BRONALD

BORN A SWINEHERD…

PERKINS

THAT’S YOUR MOTHER TALKING.

FORGET IT!

FORGET ANYTHING SHE EVER SAID TO YOU!

IT’S ALL NONSENSE!


And for a moment, he steeped in his misery.

PERKINS

YOU KNOW WHAT?

DON’T TELL THE QUEEN I’M SAYING THIS, BUT THE DAY MYRTLE CAME TO ME WAS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

BECAUSE IT FINALLY MEANT MY STRUGGLE MEANT SOMETHING.

IT MEANT I WAS SOMEONE, AND I HAD A PATH TO BECOMING MORE THAN I WAS.

I WASN’T A DAMN PIG, I WAS, I DON’T KNOW –

A WILD BOAR.

A PIG AMONG PIGS.

ONLY I HAD TUSKS AND HAIR AND DAMN IT ALL I WAS GOING TO GORE ANYONE WHO TRIED TO TAME ME.

EVERY DOG HAS ITS DAY.

BRONALD

MORE LIKE DOG DAYS.

PERKINS

ENOUGH OF THIS DEPRESSION TALKING!

YOU’RE A MAGE AND DAMN STRAIGHT YOU’RE GOING TO ACT IT!

I THINK GOING TO JERSEY IS ONE OF THE BEST THINGS EVER HAPPENED TO YOU.

YOU’LL SEE.


Happy wife, happy life.