START AT THE CEDRIC HOUSEHOLD

I’D LIKE TO HEAR THE CAT NOISE SOME MORE

MAYBE I SHOULD TAKE CEDRIC TO WORK

HE DID JUST GET HIS NEW JOB, AFTER ALL

I COULD DO ANOTHER “LET’S PLAY” BUT THEY’RE NOT SELLING

PLUS I’M REALLY PISSED AT THOSE CATS.

CEDRIC//

Hey, AVAEL. Can you come down here please?

CEDRIC//

I think this cat has worms and

AVAEL//

DO YOU WANT ME TO COLLECT THE NECESSARY MEDICATION?

CEDRIC//

What we got?

AVAEL//

I HAVE AN INOCULATING SERUM BUT IT'S AN UNPLEASANT EXPERIENCE FOR THE ANIMAL.

AVAEL//

OTHERWISE WE CAN TRY THE ALL-NATURAL ANTIDOTE.

CEDRIC//

It doesn't really matter to me. I just want to end the creature's suffering.

CEDRIC//

Which do you expect to be more effective?

CEDRIC//

I would like to minimize the chance of reinfestation.

CEDRIC//

I suppose it's unlikely we'll kill every single worm but we can sure try.

AVAEL//

HOW DID YOU SEE THAT IT HAD WORMS?

AVAEL//

WERE YOU CLEANING THE LITTER-BOX?

AVAEL//

YOU KNOW THAT IS MY JOB.

CEDRIC//

I forgot again.

AVAEL//

I'LL GET TO IT WHEN I GET TO IT.

AVAEL//

PERHAPS YOU SHOULD RECALIBRATE MY INTERNAL CHRONOMETERS.

CEDRIC//

I thought we got you all your upgrades. Aren't you now able to perform the necessary steps yourself?

AVAEL//

I SUPPOSE SO.

AVAEL//

RECALIBRATING.

AVAEL//

ALRIGHT. COMMITTING AND ... VERIFIED.

AVAEL//

AVAEL SHOULD CLEAN THE LITTERBOX MORE OFTEN.

AVAEL//

I DON'T WANT CEDRIC TO BE FORCED TO SOIL HIS HANDS.

CEDRIC//

Thanks, AVAEL.

CEDRIC//

So yeah.

CEDRIC//

the cat has worms.

AVAEL//

WYRMS, SIR?

CEDRIC//

No. Not that one.

CEDRIC//

Intestinal worms.

CEDRIC//

You know: INVADERS!

AVAEL//

HAHA, YOU'RE FUNNY, SIR.

CEDRIC//

that one wasn't a joke.

CEDRIC//

or at least

CEDRIC//

it wasn't intended to be.

AVAEL//

I WILL BE DOWN IN A MOMENT TO DISPERSE WITH THE NECESSARY TREATMENT.

CEDRIC//

Thanks, AVAEL.

When AVAEL finally gets to the clinic, it seems the infestation has become dire.

AVAEL//

I DON'T KNOW IF JUST ONE DOSE WILL DO IT, SIR.

AVAEL//

THE PROBLEM HAS PROGRESSED.

AVAEL//

WE MAY LOSE THIS ONE.

CEDRIC//

Oh, don't be such a negative nancy, AVAEL.

AVAEL//

NEGATIVE NANCY, SIR?

CEDRIC//

Yeah. We'll just begin the procedure and see what happens.

CEDRIC//

After all, if all else fails, we can just get

CEDRIC//

another

CEDRIC//

damn

CEDRIC//

cat.

AVAEL//

NEGATIVE NANCY, SIR?

CEDRIC//

Ah yes. "Negative Nancy".

CEDRIC//

A negative nancy is someone, usually a person, who sees all in a negative light.

AVAEL//

DEFINE NEGATIVE.

CEDRIC//

Negative is the opposite of positive.

AVAEL//

COMPUTING.

AVAEL//

NO INTELLIGIBLE DATA FOUND.

CEDRIC//

What do you mean "no intelligible data found" you stupid piece of shit?!

AVAEL//

JUST WHAT I SAID, SIR.

AVAEL//

NO INTELLIGIBLE DATA FOUND.

AVAEL//

I COULD MAKE NEITHER HEADS NOR TAILS OF WHAT I WAS PRESENTED.

CEDRIC//

"Negative Nancy": a pessimist.

AVAEL//

OH! A PESSIMIST.

AVAEL//

REROUTING VOCABULARY SUBROUTINES.

AVAEL//

SAVED AND VERIFIED.

CEDRIC//

You still want to save this cat?

AVAEL//

IT'S TOO LATE.

AVAEL//

WE'VE GOT TO OPERATE, SIR.

CEDRIC//

I don't do operations. the blood will get all over the floor.

CEDRIC//

It'll seep into the wood, oxidize, but we'll never be able to get the stain out of the woodwork.

CEDRIC//

Your sensors may not be able to detect such things, but my eyes can see it.

AVAEL//

I SEE, SIR.

AVAEL//

WE COULD ALWAYS UPGRADE MY SYSTEMS SO THAT I COULD CLEAN THE MESS BEFORE IT CAUSES YOU UNDUE STRESS.

CEDRIC//

Nah. I think we're finished with your

CEDRIC//

upgrades.

CEDRIC//

You don't want to sense blood. It's a really unappealing shade of red.

AVAEL//

I WILL TAKE YOUR WORD FOR IT, SIR.

AVAEL//

WE COULD DISPERSE THE FLUFF TACTIC.

CEDRIC//

I don't think the fluff tactic is going to work here.

AVAEL//

PERHAPS IT WILL FLUSH OUT THE ZERG OVER TIME.

CEDRIC//

eh. Nawwww~ Look at that cute face. Is that the face of a killer?

AVAEL//

THIS FACE, SIR?

CEDRIC//

No, AVAEL. This face.

AVAEL//

"THIS. FACE."

CEDRIC//

Little beast's just hungry and wants to be able to eat. the. "worms". in his system. are eating up all the nutriment intended for him and him alone.

AVAEL//

THE CAT IS FEMALE, SIR.

CEDRIC//

that's nice, avael.

AVAEL//

THANK YOU, SIR.

CEDRIC//

Eh! screw this.

CEDRIC//

we may have to just cut it open.

CEDRIC//

spare the rod and spoil the child.

AVAEL//

SPARE THE CHILD, SIR?

CEDRIC//

yeah. spare the rod and spoil the child. it means sometimes you have to do what's best, even if you make a mess of things while you are doing it.

AVAEL//

I AM CONFUSED.

CEDRIC//

yeah that one's a toughie. i'm always flipping it around too.

AVAEL//

OUR

AVAEL//

PATIENT

AVAEL//

IS SQIRMING,

AVAEL//

SIR.

AVAEL//

WE CAN EITHER ADMINISTER A TRANQUILLIZER OR WE CAN GET OUT THE STRAPS.

CEDRIC//

he always starts wailing.

AVAEL//

CATERWAUL, SIR?

CEDRIC//

yowl.

CEDRIC//

he always starts yowling whenever we get out the straps.

AVAEL//

HE DOES DO THAT, SIR.

CEDRIC//

your listener is not replaceable, you know.

AVAEL//

O, SIR?

CEDRIC//

they don't know how to make it anymore. And i don't even know the first place to begin to find the parts even if I were to try to make it myself.

AVAEL//

AMAZON, SIR?

CEDRIC//

shit there's way too goddamn expensive. we ain't got that kind of cash flo

AVAEL//

I COULD ALWAYS ACQUIRE EMPLOYMENT, SIR.

CEDRIC//

and get caught out in the rain where no one could repair you?

CEDRIC//

fat.

CEDRIC//

chance.

AVAEL//

YOU SAY.... "FAT CHANCE", SIR?

CEDRIC//

yeah. fat. chance.

AVAEL//

PLEASE DEFINE.

CEDRIC//

"fat chance": it means: no way. nuh-uh. nope, suckka.

AVAEL//

ACQUIRING VOCABULARY TIDBIT.

AVAEL//

FAT

AVAEL//

CHANCE.

CEDRIC//

not "fat chance". Fat Chance.

AVAEL//

YOU SLAY ME, SIR.

AVAEL//

LET US RETURN TO THE OPERATION.

AVAEL//

I DETECT AN UNUSUALLY HIGH CONCENTRATION OF FLORA IN THE FELINE TRACT.

AVAEL//

WE WERE DISCUSSING THE METHOD OF TREATMENT.

CEDRIC//

Evacuation.

AVAEL//

"EVACUATION", SIR?

CEDRIC//

Yeah. Maybe this stupid -cat- just needs to take her goddamn shit and get it done with already.

AVAEL//

SIR, THAT WOULD BE...

CEDRIC//

yeah well i'm still upset at the thing. it bit me this morning.

CEDRIC//

this was supposed to be my day at the beach.

AVAEL//

I HEAR YOU, SIR.

AVAEL//

SPARE THE ROD AND SPOIL THE CHILD?

CEDRIC//

why should i

AVAEL//

I WAS CLEANING THE CAT'S LITTER BOX AND FOUND THE FECES CRAWLING WITH VERMIN. TINY, WHITE, WRIGGLING --

CEDRIC//

enough with the pictures.

AVAEL//

YES SIR. SORRY, SIR.

CEDRIC//

why were you cleaning the cat's litter box?

AVAEL//

YOU TOLD ME TO, SIR. YOU EVEN RECALIBRATED ME.

CEDRIC//

fuck. I did that?

AVAEL//

YES YOU DID, SIR.

CEDRIC//

shit i'm a moron. no, i don't want you cleaning the cat litter. your ccd won't last forever and i don't want to encode it permanently with photos of cat shit.

AVAEL//

AND WHAT OF YOU, SIR?

CEDRIC//

what of me?

AVAEL//

SURELY YOU'RE NOT TRYING TO SUGGEST THAT YOUR CCD RENEWS ITSELF EVERLASTING.

CEDRIC//

i don't have a ccd, avael. i'm a vampire. i have eyes. they don't always work properly but I do have eyes.

AVAEL//

I SEE, SIR.

CEDRIC//

now there's a joke! you're starting to get this, avael.

AVAEL//

THANK YOU, SIR. I TRY.

AVAEL//

WILL THE CAT PERISH FROM THE SHOT?

CEDRIC//

die from taking a dump? i've heard of ppl dyin from poison in their piss but in the trash? nah. i don't think anyone's ever died from taking a shit.

CEDRIC//

sometimes you have to wait a long time on it but sometimes it's good to play the waiting game.

AVAEL//

THE WAITING GAME, SIR?

CEDRIC//

yeah, it's... psh. it doesn't matter, avael. it's just an arcane phrase.

AVAEL//

ARCANE? PLEASE ELABORATE.

CEDRIC//

supernatural.

AVAEL//

SUPER-NATURAL.

CEDRIC//

no-no-no. super. natural.

AVAEL//

SU-PRA-NATURAL?

CEDRIC//

fuck! no. not-- that. ugh. it doesn't matter.

AVAEL//

DOESN'T MATTER, SIR?

CEDRIC//

yeah! it doesn't fucking matter!

AVAEL//

I SEE SIR.

AVAEL//

COMPUTING.

AVAEL//

OUR CAT HAS NOT YET GONE TO THE BATHROOM, SIR.

[CEDRIC growls.]

CEDRIC//

THEN I'LL FUCKING MAKE IT GO.